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Sunday, October 19th, 2008
Sunday, October 19th, 2008 at 11:53pm - its been 5 months and it still hurts as bad as the day it happened.
i miss what we had, i miss my best friend, i miss the fun and the good times.
everyday i think about how it used to be; and now if feels like he's dead.
the person i fell in love with doesnt exist any more. he was beautfiul, kind, full of fun, someone i wanted so much, and i'm mad at myself for not noticing the change, i was too intent on trying to get everything to work.
i am a strong person but my heart melts every time something happens that i think he'd appreciate.
fuck knows whats pushing me onwards... every time i speak to him now i get so much abuse.. yet i still try, i'm still determined that i want my frog back- deep down i know its over. i know ive messed it all up. and he's already onto someone else.
i guess thats what hurts the most, he did it with me... he left finn for me, and now me for someone else, and to my knowledge several others. i hate the fact i fell in love with a slut.

i gave him absaloutely everything and he just took the piss.
why am i so cut up over someone that doesnt give a shit about me?
its not just my life ive fucked up- its georges too.
1 paw paw
Sunday, July 27th, 2008
Sunday, July 27th, 2008 at 11:16pm
How can one person make you feel so bad.
i hate him with every inch of my self.
he hits me, he hurts me, he makes me cry, he takes everything i have and still laughs in my face.

i cant believe i loved him, i really did. i thought he was my soulmate but he doesnt care whether i was here or not just aslong as im not inolved in his life.

i thought i was moving on with my life.
but hearing that he is already of with another girl. hurts.

im here, devoting my life to our son while hes of out having a blast with who ever he fancies.
he has nothing that'll last because any responsibility he has he fucks up.
2 paws paw
Friday, July 25th, 2008
Friday, July 25th, 2008 at 2:10am
that was a weird evening.
we spent the majority of it in bangour village hospital.
had a wander round - tho was a little bit more freaked out this time than the last..
met a bunch of rowdy youths lol trying to break into the church, then proceeded to be chased by the security guards, so the 4 of us army rolled into some very long over grown grass where we lay there for a good half an hour just chatting, smoking and watching the sky- plus it gave us an advantage in hiding due to us all being exceptionally paranoid about ghosts.

very eerie this time round too - as there wasnt so many of us.
didnt get a good look around due to us being wimps. so headed back to the car.

we made a plan to go back there and consult the security guards of our presence and make up some bull about wanting to explore and paint/photograph the village during the day.
Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008
Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008 at 12:39pm
this maybe be a long shot,
but doest anyone think they would want an ann summers party? as i need one more to fill up my schedule.
yup it will be me speaking to you about sex and dildos!
Thursday, July 17th, 2008
Thursday, July 17th, 2008 at 1:30am
been out with friends,
was a good night - i see alot of them now.
though i still have this wash of worry and fear that comes over me every so often.
and just now its making me feel sick, my stomach is churning.

i miss tom - theres no doubt about it.
but not in the way i thought i would. i miss the closeness we had and the fun.
and most of all i miss being able to talk to him openly about anything and everything.
even the cuddles. he was my best buddie.
feeling slightly down towards him atm, his actions are pretty shitty but i guess he just wants to forget me... i wish he would speak to me as if i were a person; with hopes, dreams, worries and fears.
i dont know how i feel other than i still care for him, and i know i dont love him. well im not in love with him.
i really want a cuddle and for him to tell me everythings going to work out ok. i still believe in him

i guess im not just capable of disgarding someone i spent the majority of my recent life with.
my heart aches sometimes when i think about him; more so that i think hes already found someone else alongside the fact that he has been very nasty to me with some of his words in the past.

i dont mean to be a nasty person, and i didnt mean to hurt anyone that i held close.

i need a friend just now.
Tuesday, July 8th, 2008
Tuesday, July 8th, 2008 at 3:04pm
god i dont know whats happening to me..
theres a constant swell and throb in my lower tummy and groin... i think i was male id have a permenant hard on.
my heart hurts every time it beats.
my teeth want to sink into flesh and rip. my hands want to tare and grab.

i havent felt like this for a long long time.... its taken me by surprise...
Tuesday, July 8th, 2008 at 10:59am
have you ever been so beside yourself with passion and love that your chest heaves everytime you breathe and the pounding of your heart hurts and shakes the walls of your ribs?

is it lust?
or fear?

fuck i want him back.
Monday, June 30th, 2008
Monday, June 30th, 2008 at 3:15am
that was a beautiful night - exactly what i needed.. to be around friends and in such a caring enviornment where i was overloaded with blessings and compliments,
i am beautiful.
i am a nice person.
i am kind and generous.
and over all i do deserve love and happiness.

all my efforts are going to be focused on my wee man george.
fuck everything thats negative, the world is beautiful and i intend on experiencing it happy...
hes my one priority in life and he will have every advantage as i know now i can put him first.

in a sense im glad this has happened as it made me realise who tom was/is. and that when it came down to it he isnt the one for me after all. i guess my love for him was making me blind,
and the fact that i wanted to hold on to the perfect fammily ideal clearly wasnt working.
i'll miss tom, and will always remember him fondly. as 80% of the time i enjoyed his companionship and who he was. he did have a nice side. and thats what ill hold on to in my heart.

wee man will know who is dad was; but i wont slate tom for how he acted or let him grow thinking he was a bastard. as i know tom loved george,
i guess as ive been told george will appreciate two parents more if they are happier and apart than miserable and together.
i feel very sorry and saf it didnt work but ill put my effort in to us, my son and i instead.

Saturday, June 28th, 2008
Saturday, June 28th, 2008 at 9:28pm
i dont think ive cried so much in my life.
im totally besotted over tom, i love him so much.

maybe i am just a waste of space, and should 'die quietly'.
the worse part is i dont understand. i dont know what i have done wrong apart from care about this bloke.
fair enough i can go a bit nuts but then so can anyone.

i was told this would work and god how much i wanted to believe it.
im a little girl whos been left too many times and i seriously thought id met the one for me.

my head is spinning and i feel incredibly nauceous.
Saturday, June 28th, 2008 at 4:41pm
this has been the shittiest weekend.
last night george was taken into hospital due to having a bad chest infection. and we both had to stay the night- it made me so upset watching them putting an oxygen mask over his face and pumping him full of drugs. he did nothing but cry. and i was the only one there to hug him.
we got our own room on the ward due to wee man never having the clear of mrsa after his belly button thing was removed.
and now after that i have tom telling me once again to go fuck myself. and for what reason? ive no idea... probably just because i tried so hard to get him to come to help me at the hospital. but once again was ignored.
it really really hurts as i even got hit by my dad earlier for saying that i loved him and wanted to be with him and that i didnt care about anyone else but him, george and myself as a family
i feel completely and utterly alone.

that fortune teller was shit. she told me love would provail.. for who? certainly not me.
im stuck in the middle of what seems like a sea of people who i thought cared and believed in me but actually just want rid of me.. everyone; my mum, dad and tom all keep telling me that im a stupid fucker and should go away.

i have no one but george.

i really need a friend.
Monday, June 23rd, 2008
Monday, June 23rd, 2008 at 12:20am
im very happy just now.
i feel loved and wanted.
needed too.
again ive found my inner strength.
Wednesday, June 18th, 2008
Wednesday, June 18th, 2008 at 10:05pm - 3 strikes and your out
How many casualties can one life have in such a short space of time?

First of all the love of my life decided to break my heart and reach for a further gain in his own life.. which enevitably has left me alone.
Though we are still remaining good friends despite the fact that the feelings are very onesided. He's someone i care about deeply and i doubt very much whatever he nor any one else could ever do to me would change that.
I believe in the magic of life. I also believe that there was magic that surrounded him and i falling in love and the time at which it happened. It was beautiful, and i will always remember it fondly.
He still has my heart.
Secondly, a while back most of you will remember that my father took ill on holiday in august 05 while on holiday. He had a hole in his stomach that caused him to nearly die. Unfotunately he has now developed an ulcer which the doctors believe is most likely malignant. He has been explained to that he will have to go MRI or CT scan whichever it is that takes the slice by slice view of his inners to find out whether their diagnosis is positive and if so how will have to go through chemotherapy.
I dont want to loose my dad.
And thirdly, our beloved dog misty has had heart failure. she is still up and about but from time to time takes seizures and wets herself. we have found a specialist in stirling that we have made an appointment with tomorrow.

On the upside though, i have finally found deep in myself who i am, and what i am.
I began meditating again.
I am a beautiful person.
Sunday, June 15th, 2008
Sunday, June 15th, 2008 at 5:48pm - el weekendo
im sitting here just home, and very very tired.
the weekend consisted of studios birthday party x2 and rave attemps x2 (successful on the second)
friday night was good, saw lots of people and danced.
felt a bit awkward as tom was going to be there... i think my tummy must have been in butterfly central as i felt pretty nauseous the whole night... or maybe it was just worry. he looked really pretty, in a geeky elvish kinda way, though i hadnt seen him for 4 days previously. i guess i forgot how attracted i was to him. physically. my body missed him.
i think i must have been giving out pheromones of being a 'newly available female' as guys were hitting on my like crazy... it was horrible.
the night went ok, he was with friends and i was with friends. we spoke. but my nag monster bellowed out of me nearer the end of the night.. due to me not being used to leaving a club and parting our seperate ways.
a car full of us then heading to the rave. got there. dead. left. (attempt no.1)

saturday during the day: read previous post.

saturday night time got of to a slow start. headed round to kikis to chill and say goodbye. wrote her a beautiful note telling her how wonderful she was and that george and i would miss her greatly.
friends from school arrived - some i hadnt seen since i left. was weird.
picked roise up but we had to kill a couple of hours before we went to the rave again. so ended up at the studios again. he was there again. it felt like the old days. depressing goths upstairs. old skool rock downstairs. was ok. danced a bit, felt awkward. left.
got to the party and it was awesome.
nice and chilled... beautiful surroundings, and my head was in a nice place.

on the way home. stupidness. again putting my foot in it.
and now i feel sick and drained.

i miss what i had with tom. the closeness, the security, the peace of mind.
Saturday, June 14th, 2008
Saturday, June 14th, 2008 at 6:29pm - fortune teller
Well things have been pretty up and down lately.

when things have been good they have been really good and the oppisit for when they've been bad. - deffinately one extreme to another.
with a continued feeling of numbness.

though i think thats changing. due to the events that happened today;
i went to see a fortune teller. i was slightly apprehensive at first, but very quickly relaxed as her words calmed me. she first asked me to pick 7 cards from the tarot deck.. i couldnt tell you exactly which ones now that i picked apart from one.. the two swords. which she told me was that i had considered leaving, running away. and that i was not to.
she then asked to look at my hands and told me who i was and how i could better myself as a person.
i dont want to go into deepth about what else was said but she knew everything that was going on and had happened between george's birth and now, she also gave me some personal adivce which i really needed to hear.
which made me feel like i can do it.. and that i knew deep down its what i had to do.
she told me two things about the future that was certain; george is going to be a musician and my happiness has to come from inside me.

i think speaking to her really has enlightened me. and filled me with the confidence i need.
i even think i feel beautiful again.
Friday, June 13th, 2008
Friday, June 13th, 2008 at 10:51am - Dear world
I need sex.
Some love and comfort.
only if it has to be just one night.

i hope i can find someone worth it.
2 paws paw
Monday, June 2nd, 2008
Monday, June 2nd, 2008 at 1:32am - omg!
Oh fuck, move over ebay ive discovered Amazon.co.uk,
my horizons for spending rediculous amounts on crap has expanded!
im amazed.. looking at the prices... i found myself thinking: "yes, that really is a good deal for a cocktail shaker that RRP is £29.99 and i'd get it for £15.99 with a cocktail recipe book included".
kate dont be a fucking numpty.
i dont need a cocktail shaker.

that is just one of many examples i have come across while trawling through the pages..
though i suppose my lust for new home stuff has been aided by the fact that i may have found a flat.
i currently have two viewings to go, one in edinburgh but the other unfortunately in dalkeith.. not sure if id want to live there but its worth a shot and i can always commute if need be..

hmm as for things with tom and i, we're ok. taking each day as it comes. we love one another and i suppose that i should be grateful for. and i do trust him. nearly 80% of the time but then how well can you ever really know anyone?

er, yeah. im distracted, oo breadmakers, dinner sets and new bedlinen!


current mood: content
3 paws paw
Wednesday, May 14th, 2008
Wednesday, May 14th, 2008 at 6:25pm - if you can read this then you are invited
Friday, March 7th, 2008
Friday, March 7th, 2008 at 5:52pm - baby firsts
hey all.

we've been so busy that i havent even had a chance until now to get anywhere near a computer.

george is coming on leaps and bounds, i dont think i updated about his first birthday.. it was the 18th of dec. we had a party at my parents with the other wee ones from my mum and baby group. there was cake and balloons.. pretty much a big fuss :)
lately though we've had our first word. he spoke for the first time on tuesday just passed. is first word was 'shoes' weird huh. now hes making the sounds of bus, car and juice.

just now tom and him are in the midst of drawing lol. he's a very clever boy! so proud.
we're starting to decide about nurserys. everything seems to be at

other than that. ive been working hard while toms been at home.
had stus 21st last night and it was messy... good messy tho. started of at the house then heading into town to planet out. then on to cc blooms. where we drank and sang karakoke all night.
Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007
Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007 at 10:39am
i started a diary while i was pregnant with george on my laptop, now my laptop is just gathering dust... i cant say i have anyone that i can truely confide in anymore... and i know most of those that i felt was able to havent slipped away on their own accord; i guess thats just what happens when everyone gets their own lives and their own problems.
i suppose i should just use this as a venting practise, but its nice to know that the odd one or two may read it.
so where to start;
toms my best friend, but its hard to tell him some things that really get to me due to him being more than just a friend.
and i do cry alot and stamp my feet like a little girl, but thats how i feel lately. a little girl whose life isnt her own any more and is gradually spiraling away from her when all she wants to do is run around in the grass barefoot.
im scared. scared of what is to come, and has already been.
i want to keep ahold of what i have, a loving boyfriend, a place we can share with our son.
it doesnt feel real when theres a chance that it could all go away..

oh what am i doing.
Monday, September 3rd, 2007
Monday, September 3rd, 2007 at 8:16am
Seeing as it has been such a long time that ive had 10 mins to myself and an available computer, i decided to give a short update.

things are going well, though im forever tired as is tom (i guess what else is to be expected), getting very bored of the drama that seems to have come about since we've had a baby. friends dont talk to us, well actually... thats more (unfortunately) on tom's side rather than mine and to be honest i think it really upsets him.

i think i need a revamp. my hair is needing done again, and has been for a good 2 months, but i just cant be bothered as all i want to do in the evenings is have a hot bath and then curl up in bed with tom. my clothes are all baggy and drab, mainly due to being comfortable... i miss the old me, she was always into putting make up on, making a huge effort with her appearance, now shes gone in to submissive hiding.
but it can be worked on.

as for the future. im trying my best to inforce plans that will lead us into having our own place for christmas... seeing as last year we didnt manage to celebrate it as a family.

what else...
i think i just need a goog drink.
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